from Rockettes, Rockstars, & Rockbottom by Keltie Colleen


Hearing his name hundreds of times reminded me that Rocker was nowhere to be found. He didn't answer the phone. We hadn't spoken. I wrote in my journal for hours. I tried to map out exactly when things went wrong. What did I do wrong? Falling in love is easy, but falling out is the hardest thing. It's so easy to say "I fell in love the instant you said my name," but how do you pinpoint the exact time when things went wrong? Was it the shirt I wore? Was it something I said? Did I have bad breath? Did I call too many times? My list of things wrong with me grew exponentially. I never paused to think it might be something to do with him. Love, whether it lasts one day or 10 years, is never easy to lose. Once love lets its feelings loose in your bloodstream, there's no turning back. You breathe different. You talk different. You are different.

There comes a point where you can't make any more excuses for yourself and you know, in the deepest part of your soul, that you are not okay. It is a hard place to get to because it is so easy, when you're used to faking it, to lie, even to yourself. I convinced myself over and over that I was fine but time and time again, my actions disproved this. Telling lies to other people is unfair and cruel. Telling lies to yourself and believing them, is borderline psychotic.